hey! i made it!--i powered throught the take off and easy smooth plane ride to colorado--i am so thankful it was a snap-- colorado looked dry and hot and dusty-made me a bit sad...in fact i thought we were landing in the wrong state--- it just looked tired- got to spend some time with my best friend first-- and really took advantage of the laugh therapy.....constant laughing--yay for for me! little did i know i would be drawing heavily on the endorphin release later in my trip--

my sister and brother look awesome--we squeezed eachother until our heads fell off--my mother on the other hand was full of venom and fire-- eeeek! the first 2 days i spent with her was a nightmare--she attacked me verbally and made me cry within the first 15 minutes of being with her-- it was crazy-- i felt 13 again  ((shudder)) she did however foot the bill for the lodge in estes park( quite beautiful) i got some good pix of the area and the Stanley Hotel--((more on the scenery later))---since i came from sea level to the rocky mountains i got altitude sickness-- estes park is at 7000 feet---i had to leave a bit early--back down to a more manageable altitude, my color returned and i could breathe.

i feel bad for my mother, her mental state really showed this time--and i must do some research on her condition-- -- she snapped out of it toward the end..like when we were loaded up to leave....ironic much? well bless her all the same and i hope she works through her struggles--i fear i saw the devil in her eyes-- seriously it was like doll eyes..another person--eeek....her mother had severe mental issues--in fact died in a mental hospital in NYC-schizophrenia + other health issues---my mom really scared the sh8t outta me this time-- i wonder if she could be on the spectrum of the disease too---anyway-- that is another blog within itself-

we then loaded up to visit dad in south dakota-- a really beautiful 5 hour drive through wyoming and northern colorado to south dakota-- the further north we went the land seemed to come alive with green and life...tons of antelope and babies grazing, prarie dogs and hawks--deer---lotsa birds-- quite idyllic and gorgeous--

well--i saw my dad-- he is not well-- he goes to adult day care now-- my step mother kept all of this from us..what a selfish whore.....she wouldn't even make eye contact didn't discuss his condition with us-- i cried the whole time--

he is thin and dealing with some cancer issues on his face-- the dementia has erased his ability to retreve words quickly but he still has a sharp sense of humor-- he seemed really happy strangley ,like a burden has been lifted--he was relaxed and maintained eye contact and laughed with us-- he never did that before-- it was if i finally got a drink of water after being thirsty for so long...he looked me in the eye and said he loved me and i really felt it this time....like the first time in 39 years-- i am really thankfull because i am certain this is it and i will not see him alive again--he is so thin-- it's like he surrendered to whatever was tormenting him in his life--and it is consuming him.......his *record skipped *a few times and he repeated things and showed pix a couple times over...but he was as sweet as he could be-- i am so sad and so happy at the same time----hopefully he will remember me when i call him---hopefully his wife will let him talk to me-- time will tell--i feel good about it in a wierd way--i am glad i went to see him--

 my extended family was mostly a no show--surprise--but i am buoyed by the fact they didn't care enough to see me......i don't have to wonder anymore, when i hugged one of the uncles that bothered to show-- he said-*well have a nice life*...(?) all behind a big smile-- i get it now-- i listened and it's okay-- i cannot force someone to love me....and i really like that this part of the game is over..the pretending part...the part that confuses and hurts the most---- they can all get fu)ked---thier long silences and verbal digs  and double speak can be flung out into the universe-- dispersed and reused as something positive--a child singing or an artist painting--or a bird flying......exchange that bad air for good..

whew----- i feel a little fragile yet--- i hope that will resolve quickly...i am still processing alot of this--hardly slept and didn't eat well on *vacation*-- i feel like i am recovering from an operation......i guess i kind of am..the flight home was great as well-- i missed my hubby like crazy and cried when i saw him-- this was the longest we had ever been apart----and i will not go to face adversity alone again-- however cleansing this fire was it left a mark--i hope i can learn the lesson----

thank you *real family* (BSM) for keeping me in your thoughts--- i saw you all everywhere in each raven and crow, purple wildflower and waving sage leaf...in the sweet black hills air, full of butterflies and june bugs....feral cats and coyote howl---

thank you--xoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxo

"Once again we face a paradox, for it appears that softening your heart
and gently tending its wounds _will protect you from evil. Building a
fortress and defending yourself behind it will only make you more
vulnerable. Healing your own heart is the single _most powerful thing you
can do to change the world. Your own transformation will enable you to
withdraw _so completely from evil that you contribute to it by not one
word, one thought, or one breath."
-Deepak Chopra, *The Deeper Wound Recovering the Soul from Fear and
Suffering*