note orb present in mantle pix--we didn't roam the rooms as much as we wanted plus it was just me and my mother so my ears were bleeding and my creative swagger was interrupted..ha!

i think the orb spirit was trying to save me--this is the second shot i caught it in and it was closer than the last----vibrationally i felt not so much ghost wise however my mother was with me sucking out my life-----beautiful day and place-- i was however incredbily heartbroken to see the huge divided highway and strip mall and mcdonalds so close to the hotel--when i was a kid it was still so isolated and scenic...now you can't really get a pix from the road to show it's grandure---sad.----they've had mad a lot of changes to the interior too...i understand the need to upgrade but it still hurt my feelings.....cuz it's all about me..ha ha ha!!

enjoy and meow for now

some pix of colorado visit-- will post more blogginess later-- not much words rolling around in my head these days--

xoxoxoxoxo and meow

hey! i made it!--i powered throught the take off and easy smooth plane ride to colorado--i am so thankful it was a snap-- colorado looked dry and hot and dusty-made me a bit sad...in fact i thought we were landing in the wrong state--- it just looked tired- got to spend some time with my best friend first-- and really took advantage of the laugh therapy.....constant laughing--yay for for me! little did i know i would be drawing heavily on the endorphin release later in my trip--

my sister and brother look awesome--we squeezed eachother until our heads fell off--my mother on the other hand was full of venom and fire-- eeeek! the first 2 days i spent with her was a nightmare--she attacked me verbally and made me cry within the first 15 minutes of being with her-- it was crazy-- i felt 13 again  ((shudder)) she did however foot the bill for the lodge in estes park( quite beautiful) i got some good pix of the area and the Stanley Hotel--((more on the scenery later))---since i came from sea level to the rocky mountains i got altitude sickness-- estes park is at 7000 feet---i had to leave a bit early--back down to a more manageable altitude, my color returned and i could breathe.

i feel bad for my mother, her mental state really showed this time--and i must do some research on her condition-- -- she snapped out of it toward the end..like when we were loaded up to leave....ironic much? well bless her all the same and i hope she works through her struggles--i fear i saw the devil in her eyes-- seriously it was like doll eyes..another person--eeek....her mother had severe mental issues--in fact died in a mental hospital in NYC-schizophrenia + other health issues---my mom really scared the sh8t outta me this time-- i wonder if she could be on the spectrum of the disease too---anyway-- that is another blog within itself-

we then loaded up to visit dad in south dakota-- a really beautiful 5 hour drive through wyoming and northern colorado to south dakota-- the further north we went the land seemed to come alive with green and life...tons of antelope and babies grazing, prarie dogs and hawks--deer---lotsa birds-- quite idyllic and gorgeous--

well--i saw my dad-- he is not well-- he goes to adult day care now-- my step mother kept all of this from us..what a selfish whore.....she wouldn't even make eye contact didn't discuss his condition with us-- i cried the whole time--

he is thin and dealing with some cancer issues on his face-- the dementia has erased his ability to retreve words quickly but he still has a sharp sense of humor-- he seemed really happy strangley ,like a burden has been lifted--he was relaxed and maintained eye contact and laughed with us-- he never did that before-- it was if i finally got a drink of water after being thirsty for so long...he looked me in the eye and said he loved me and i really felt it this time....like the first time in 39 years-- i am really thankfull because i am certain this is it and i will not see him alive again--he is so thin-- it's like he surrendered to whatever was tormenting him in his life--and it is consuming him.......his *record skipped *a few times and he repeated things and showed pix a couple times over...but he was as sweet as he could be-- i am so sad and so happy at the same time----hopefully he will remember me when i call him---hopefully his wife will let him talk to me-- time will tell--i feel good about it in a wierd way--i am glad i went to see him--

 my extended family was mostly a no show--surprise--but i am buoyed by the fact they didn't care enough to see me......i don't have to wonder anymore, when i hugged one of the uncles that bothered to show-- he said-*well have a nice life*...(?) all behind a big smile-- i get it now-- i listened and it's okay-- i cannot force someone to love me....and i really like that this part of the game is over..the pretending part...the part that confuses and hurts the most---- they can all get fu)ked---thier long silences and verbal digs  and double speak can be flung out into the universe-- dispersed and reused as something positive--a child singing or an artist painting--or a bird flying......exchange that bad air for good..

whew----- i feel a little fragile yet--- i hope that will resolve quickly...i am still processing alot of this--hardly slept and didn't eat well on *vacation*-- i feel like i am recovering from an operation......i guess i kind of am..the flight home was great as well-- i missed my hubby like crazy and cried when i saw him-- this was the longest we had ever been apart----and i will not go to face adversity alone again-- however cleansing this fire was it left a mark--i hope i can learn the lesson----

thank you *real family* (BSM) for keeping me in your thoughts--- i saw you all everywhere in each raven and crow, purple wildflower and waving sage leaf...in the sweet black hills air, full of butterflies and june bugs....feral cats and coyote howl---

thank you--xoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxo

"Once again we face a paradox, for it appears that softening your heart
and gently tending its wounds _will protect you from evil. Building a
fortress and defending yourself behind it will only make you more
vulnerable. Healing your own heart is the single _most powerful thing you
can do to change the world. Your own transformation will enable you to
withdraw _so completely from evil that you contribute to it by not one
word, one thought, or one breath."
-Deepak Chopra, *The Deeper Wound Recovering the Soul from Fear and
Suffering*
 

i hope you enjoy my fave cartoon----i think it's so clever---on many levels--

soon i will be MIA for about 9 days-- going to lance the abcess that is my family dysfunction..ha ha ha..thank you Amber for encouraging the poking by example in your own blog--i know it won't heal without it-- i am in a great place(right now)-- and will have lots of pix and stories --good and bad when i return----

please think good thoughts as i hurdle through space on the 3rd and the 12th--- not a good flyer--and am white knuckling instead of self medicating-- what an adventure-- ha ha ha!!

i will hopefully check in again before my trip-until then-meow for now

i really am